Teenagers are transitioning out of a child role, and into an adult one. They’re also likely to be far more experienced with the technology that they’re using than we are. If we want our teenagers to engage with conversations about online safety, we need to approach the conversation differently.
Get teenagers to engage by modelling
Modelling is a term used to describe approaching conversations, situations and moments in a way that you’d like your children to approach these things; it is the exact opposite of, ‘Do as I say, not as I do’.
When we model the behaviour that we want to see in our children, they’re more likely to be engaged with us. If we dismiss, minimise or don’t respond seriously to our children, they’re more likely to mirror this behaviour and dismiss and minimise us in return.
When it comes to keeping teenagers safe online, modelling is incredibly important. There are a couple of different things we can model which will lay the groundwork for these conversations.
Active listening
How many times have you tried to talk to your teenager about something important, and they’ve started texting?
Active listening is where we give the person who is speaking our full attention; we put down our phones, we stop washing up, we pause the film that we’re watching and just focus on listening. This communicates to the person speaking that we are engaged, and that we think that what they have to say is important.
When we model active listening with our teenagers, we’re demonstrating that what they have to say is important, and what they’re sharing with us is worth listening to. If we do that for them, they’re much more likely to do that for us.
Healthy relationships and consent
Have you ever said the phrase, ‘give me a kiss’ to your child?
Many parents and carers are concerned about their teenager being at risk of getting into unhealthy relationships online, as well as the risk of adults behaving inappropriately with their teenagers. It’s easier than ever for these relationships to start, and we want our children to be able to distinguish a healthy relationship from an unhealthy one.
One of the things we can do is model healthy relationships with our teenagers, as well as consent. We can avoid phrases like, ‘give me/them a kiss’, which can normalise the idea of someone else deciding what kinds of intimacy our children are comfortable with. Instead, we can ask before we hug or kiss our teenagers, so that they learn that in healthy relationships they decide what happens to their body.
Having ‘the talk’
So you’ve started modelling how you want your child to respond; now it's time to have the conversation. Remember, our teenagers likely know more about these applications and the tech they’re using - so instead of trying to educate them, we’re going to let them educate us.
We can start this conversation with some of these questions:
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What is your experience with unwanted messages, unsolicited friend requests, or inappropriate comments online?
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How did these experiences leave you feeling?
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How can you tell when an interaction is inappropriate?
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What can you do once you’ve realised something isn’t right?
By asking our teenagers to share their experiences, we’re demonstrating that it’s safe to come to us with this information. We’re also starting this conversation by asking them to tell us how they keep themselves safe online; this is going to be much more comfortable than a lecture from their parent or carer.
Once they’re talking, we can use our active listening skills to show that we’re engaged. Then, we can find opportunities to share information:
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Your personal information is yours, and is private
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You never have to share something you don’t want to
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Someone you don’t know shouldn’t ask you for photos and videos
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It’s important to fact check information we see online
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We can take information off the internet, but they can be screenshotted
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Photos and videos that we send can be forwarded to anyone
At the end of this chat, tell your teenager that you’d like this to be an ongoing conversation. By keeping this line of communication open with our teens, we can continue checking in; and hopefully, they’ll start to check in with us too.
Find out more about how to keep teenagers safe online at InternetMatters.org
